Peer Response 2, Week 2

Response to MacKenzie's Memory, Final Week

MacKenzie,

The way you put the words together in this piece make it beautiful. For example: "as the wind scrubs the cliff-faces smooth and teases the fire I’ve built." And I like how you take advantage of the absence of the standard explanatory plaque in order to imagine possibilities for the people groups who lived there before. It gives you a chance to reflect on the nature of curiosity--I wonder . . . I wonder did the Pueblos wonder. Also, when you write "If I had been a pre-Pueblo, would I be missing whatever made me afraid of heights?" you're still navigating the unknown, expressing curiosity about how your particular moment in time might influence even your fears. I really think curiosity is the link here through which you can expand. You started with the missing historical synopsis (the absence of the plaque) and this seemed to lead you directly and fascinatingly into an analysis of the unknown.

Peer Response 2, Week 7

(A response to Ashley's Junkyard Quote 2, Week 2

Ashley,

This makes me think of an essay I read about a family that swore off purchasing or using anything made in China for an entire year. It was interesting to hear about their experience and really made me think about the origins of products, who makes them, their working conditions, etc., as well as the prevalence of China's products in U.S. markets. Also, your quote reminds me of Barbara Kingsolver's "Animal, Vegetable, Miracle," a food memoir chronicling her family's experiences when they moved to a farm and vowed (for a one-year period) to only eat food they grew or raised themselves or that came from farms in their community.

I know your quote emphasizes your reaction to returning to Wal-Mart after such a long time, and how your mom lightheartedly downplayed the moment. But what if you used your experience differently, to write about what it's like to boycott Wal-Mart for a year (or two). Wal-Mart is an interesting topic, anyway, I think. The chain has closed down a ton of mom and pop operations, as well as smaller chains all across America (in smaller cities, especially), with its low prices and promise of convenience. It has also caught a lot of flack in the last several years, receiving criticism for its purchasing policies, employee policies, etc. (best I can remember--I know there's a documentary on this somewhere).

I once tried to boycott Wal-Mart for a year; I can't stand to shop there. My husband loves it, so I still go about once a month (although I'm trying to gradually influence our shopping habits.) But if you managed two years away, I'm wondering if this was intentional or incidental. Changing the shopping habits of consumers (according to one of Target's marketing gurus) is typically only possible during a major life change, such as the birth of a child, a marriage, buying a first home, moving to college, etc. (And I guess also if a consumer makes a commitment to shop more deliberately.) Did you just decide you didn't like the chain? If it was calculated, were there moral reasons? Was it location? Personal preference? Anyway, after fleshing out the "why," I'd love to read a story about what it's like to banish Wal-Mart from your regular shopping haunts, as well as your thoughts on returning. Were you just a spectator? Or did this trip draw you back in as a regular patron?

This might not be an avenue you're interested in, but I would personally love to read about a Wal-Mart boycott, what was difficult, what was easy, what you missed, didn't miss, etc. Just a thought . . .

Peer Response 2, Week 3

Response to Brett's Memory 1, Week 3

Brett,

I agree that your use of language is impressive. And I'm not following instructions here, but I have to say anyway that I love your play with words. When you say "insomnia often fastened me to the drawing table near my window," I'm jealous that you thought to say that. You consistently use concrete images that wake up the scene and you're setting the scene more thoroughly now that Davidson made that suggestion. I think you're also following through with trimming the prose and letting the sharper language say more than it could before. Maybe you could seek out a sister scene in Indy to make a connection and keep the story moving. Also, add some reflection. What does this scene invoke for you personally? That's all I can offer. I love what you're doing. And I want to hear more about Korea.

Peer Response 2, Week 2

Response to Susana's Memory, Week 2

Your first sentence, I think, is a strong one, effective for peaking our interest. But the parenthetical aside seems unnecessary. You've really fleshed out some intereseting details in this draft--I'm especially fascinated by the "walking catfish" and the "walking-catfish-sucking-machine," but there are others. A thinning-out revision might serve you well in this piece. Expositions like, "The imagination is amazing at age 11" and "We were homebound," your readers get for free, so you don't have to say it outright.

Also, there seems to be an odd play here between fear and adventure. And I think you should take advantage of that juxtaposition. For example, were you just a little sad when the water receded and everything went back to normal?